God, "i’ Hate It...Well Not Quite

A few weeks ago, I detailed my recent "conversion" to the Apple iPod fold. Long resisting the throngs of masses succumbing to the stranglehold of Apple and its domination of all things MP3, I was assimilated into the iPod collective after much resistance. This after sampling a friend's iPod iTouch (I guess the "i's" have it after all). Read my previous blog titled "God, "i" Love It" for the background story on that happening.

Since that consummated affair began, things between my iPod iTouch and me have been a happy, smooth affair. I have spent hours in devoted awe of its charms, eager to share in the joy and wonder with all willing to listen. It's been quite a honeymoon, to be certain.

That is until this past weekend. During a web surfing session while whittling away the hours at work (I didn't buy the iTouch for the music and video features in as much the computational ones), my "precious" experienced a hiccup of epic proportions. After an application update, my faithful iPod became catatonic. Unresponsive. Practically a paperweight. Displaying only the trademark silver apple that usually precedes the initialization of the operating system, I fell into a mild panic. What to do? Despite my extensive familiarity with computers and electronics, the iPod is an unknown to me. It's closed off, inaccessible, and highly - very highly proprietary. The upshot? A pilgrimage to "Mecca"...Apple itself, would be required.

I consider myself the epitome of the "D.I.Y" mindset. Staunchly independent minded and and an avid self sufficiency enthusiast, I am loathe to rely or depend on anyone else to maintain my gadgetry. Cars are one notable exception - I can change my oil with the best of 'em. But I am willing to submit to a "higher authority" on such automotive matters when warranted. Not so with computers and other assorted electronics. I love to take things apart and piece them back together, hopefully in better straits than their original condition. But this iPod iTouch would be beyond my reach, my scope. Well...maybe someday that will be a different scenario. But for the time being, I am a neophyte in all things Apple.

Without a clear idea of how to proceed, I surfed onto the Apple support page in hopes of finding some resolution to this conundrum. I discovered that only The Apple Store could provide some immediate salvation for my problem, being representative of Emerald City in the Wizard Of Oz. I needed to find "the wizard" to make things right again.

I soon discovered that I was naive for thinking that I, a mere peasant, could simply show up at The Apple Store within Atlantic/Emerald City and expect to have my request fulfilled. Oh no. Much like Dorothy and her minions who were turned away on their first quest, I was duly informed by an Apple technical support spokesperson that a formal appointment would be required. Mandatory, no less. I was not worthy of an immediate reception. I needed to "prove" myself first.

Fortunately, I managed to finagle an appointment within the same day of my plea for help. But there were some challenges to behold. Firstly, the closest "local" Apple store to me is a good 40 miles away in the dark and foreboding shadowy realm known as Atlantic City. "A.C" as it's more "affectionately" known, is a nightmare for drivers as there is a serious dearth of free parking spots. The casinos there offer plentiful parking - but usually for an exorbitant price. I would have none of it. It was bad enough that I was being saddled with this burden. I'll be damned that I will be gouged further after paying gas, tolls, and time just to get access to the wizard in "Emerald City"...the location of The Apple Store. Apparently, this store is only one of two that provide no parking for patrons.

Whatever free parking to be had in Atlantic City tends to lie in shady neighborhoods that reside in the shadow of the glitzy casinos. Weighing my options, I decided to take my chances and begin my journey to "Emerald City" (yes, The Apple Store). I managed to find one hardy and willing paladin to join me - "Sambo". Sambo was eager to get some adventure in, having just wrapped up a long and tedious day at his job. I swiftly launched my chariot (car) to retrieve him from his workplace and began the long and winding road up the Garden State Parkway/"Yellow Brick Road".

Experiencing a swift and seamless ride, we soon found ourselves sauntering to the gates of Atlantic/Emerald City knowing full well of the challenges to come. Lions and tigers and bears...oh my! Well...perhaps nothing so tame. Upon crossing into "Emerald City", we found oursleves in the midst of a typical traffic jam. Fighting our way through the "flying monkeys" that surrounded us, we soon faced yet another ordeal - securing a parking spot that would ensure that my car would not be compromised by thieves and within striking distance of The Apple Store. No easy task for certain.

Somehow, in the waning minutes prior to my vaunted appointment with The Wizard, I managed to find a spot. Despite being in a seedy and seamy area, I hedged my bets and locked my doors and along with Sambo, undertook the final leg of our journey. Soon arriving onto the Atlantic/Emerald City boardwalk, we found ourselves surrounded by all manner of the strange, bizarre, and surreal. Denizens of vagrants, aspiring musicians, and pan handlers populated the path, proving to be something of a distraction. But we plodded onward and forward, past the fortune tellers, past the rickshaws, and finally...we were at the gates.

Sambo and I entered inside the dominion of Apple. There was a crowd of worshippers in wait of which owing to our sheer determination (or strategy), we managed to wend past. Finally...we would...I would be able to meet with The Wizard himself.

On a more literal note, if you've never paid a visit to an Apple Store, you may find it an unconventional if not somewhat over the top experience. The technicians are referred to as "geniuses" and the store itself serves as a showroom of sorts that unveils the offerings of all things in Appledom. You are compelled to believe in magic, to fall under the spell of would be Apple wizardry. This is an enchanted space. Or at least, Apple would very much like you to believe.

I appreciate the marketing and the concept behind this spiel as Apple definitely knows a thing or two about making tech hip and appealing. My own experience with the iPod iTouch is a perfect case in point. I am not easily swayed. But much of this "hocus pocus" is a bit hard for me to stomach. Entertaining to be sure, but I was not here to be entertained. I just wanted my damned iPod fixed. And, I resented being dependent on a third party for the task.

But back to our saga. After a brief wait, "The Wizard" would see me. Beforehand, I spied with my little eye my name displayed on a whiteboard along with a select few. I was deemed worthy of having my request heard. And hopefully satisfied. At long last, the moment of truth was at hand. The Wizard, The GENIUS, was at my beck and call. My desperate plea would be heard.

After a brief exchange of information and some small talk, The Wizard/Genius attempted to resurrect my precious iPod. Egads!...it was to no avail. It's fate beyond the reach of The Wizard-Genius. My precious was a goner.

But no tears were to fall...The Wizard/Genius became my savior. Salvation was within my grasp. With a mere wave of his magic genius wand, behold! A brand spankin' new iPod iTouch appeared. Not quite the ending I expected, but a satisfactory outcome in the end.

After securing my new "precious", we humbly bowed prostrate before The Wizard-Genius. Then, we hurriedly placed a few burnt offerings at the altar of the Apple temple, muttered a few chants, and steeled away from the hallowed ground, back to my chariot. Nightfall was approaching, and I did not want my chariot to turn into a pumpkin (who said I could not take some poetic license in this account by mixing up folklore?). Dangers would increase a thousand fold for certain - if I remained within the darker realms of Emerald City. Shadowy and foreboding, the path would soon become more harrowing.

Fortunately, we managed to find my chariot safe and intact, ready to whisk us away to more tepid, familiar ground. The story was thus concluded, happily ever after.

In lieu of my attempt at presenting an exaggerated and satirical account of the pitfalls and pratfalls of my experience, I will say that I was impressed with the expediency of Apple in handling my matter. Sure, it was inconvenient and I hope this remains the sole negative regarding my iTouch. But perhaps this was a small price to pay for having a crown jewel of gadgetry in my possession.

Memo to Steve Jobs...I laud your panache in design and giving technology and artistic aesthetic and more human facade. But never forget that ultimately in such matters, function follows form.